No matter how stupid, stupid turnt I got, I would NEVER be in a state of mind to let such a personal, private thing slip out. Your marriage is between the two of you. Ugh. After reading this post, I was so shocked I seen this as the first comment but was also laughing badly. I would not have been able to control myself the same way no doubt. For that reason I would agree that you guys should talk about, counseling, or like I said, you reconsidering the relationship. If my friends talked about my SO like that I would be livid and we wouldnt be friends anymore. I suggest an open minded conversation. This is NOT on her timeline anymore. Her voice was strained and raspy. Wife: babe were you in the kit. I cut her off. Not only that, but she didn't admit to him that she had done it when she sobered up. he was more "passionate" etc. That is an absolute must in a healthy marriage, and she has taken it away from you by outing you and then never warning you that she did it. Its not an easy solution. Funny thing she thought it would cheer me up to tell absolutely fucking everyone, just to cheer me up. The trust cannot be restored and it would be better to separate for now. Prepare to be known as 'that guy who is really sensitive about his sexuality". You have every right to be pissed. I have also been outed in a similar way. Now's not the time to make decisions. I knew I wasnt in a good state and ignored all of them. For years. Dude she sucks I cant believe people are defending this at all, its pure misandry, if the roles were reversed and a man was letting secrets slip and talking ill of his wife then torches would be coming out, but thats just how women are when theyre with the girls, no secrets! Fuck all that haha, that is so disrespectful. Your wife violated your trust multiple times. He said if i wanna get together for a drink or whatever to let him know. That's where your power is. I don't know why you'd even give it a B-. So she made you the butt of their jokes eventho she actively takes part in your sexlife and enjoys it. Personally I don't think it's bad enough to end a good relationship over but you should make it clear that trying to hide her mistake and belittling you to others to save her self from their scorn is both childish and cruel. I am floored you are the only person who has pointed this out. Saying that it was simply too small. This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. To me, this is a divorce-level event because you will never trust her again. One friend asked her if she considered it and she said yes but ultimately she chose to stay with me because I made her happy and treated her better. Don't minimize the situation and don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking you are overreacting or that this isn't divorce-level situation. So (and this is where your perception of the relationship comes in) you have to determine whether she was going with the flow of the conversation or whether she does actually have an issue with that. Im extremely sorry this happened to you OP. Dude, I am so sorry. I'm just saying people can be stupid. Make sure she knows how traumatic that was for you. Maybe things that we say passively just to get our friends to laugh and joke, but arent meant to be taken seriously. i would like to add a partner should never ever make you feel ashamed or embarrassed about your sexuality. Especially because the reason behind the "close call" was because OP is bi. Im bi and from a close knit, homophobic religious family. Once your sexual history was out in the open and left you vulnerable to her girlfriends judgements, she decided to join in and talk shit about it and mention that she thinks of other men while pleasuring you since it turns her off. Like it may have been rooted in some truth, but exaggerated and theatricated for like entertainment purposes. To her, you're the butt of the joke. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I don't think this information should have been said. Are there no angry bi men who look like grocery store managers? You need to learn how to deal with being outed and your stupid wife needs to understand the true ramifications for you. Book an appointment with a therapist, maybe meet up with the one friend who called you, and after a couple of days reassess whether or not you want to try to make things work. hey i mean, im not married, live with my bf and have 2 cats and a dog. Try distancing yourselves from these particular friends / connections until self estern / acceptance issues are resolved. It's human nature. Bruuh this is too much for me I'm 52 yrs old, veteran, communications workers close to company retirement, whatever you do just enjoy life. Its fucked up to add that to a conversation just to pile on and humiliate her own husband. Let that sink in. You're married to the person who should MOST be on your side and she has completely betrayed you for a fucking laugh. I learned that it is usually a sign of people not sharing everything, not saying that is your situation, but she violated your trust and didnt even give you the courtesy of giving you the heads up. He heard her, not us) about visualizing other men. I 100% understand why you're so upset. Or will she stand by him, tell her friends she is the one who was lying because she was afraid of their reactions, and own her shit? I know that your * secret life * is very personal to you, but not many people will be concerned or even bothered about your sexuality. She is reacting the right way to this, in that she's clearly upset and remoresful for her actions. I was pooping and you helped me push from laughing so hard. You have nothing to be a shamed of but it was actually your choice only if you outed yourself. I think that you need a good week to try and think about how you feel, how you're going to be able to contain the gossip and how you move forward with the wife . Her exact words "I feel like i settled for him. When you have a PARTNER that partner should be in your corner 100% of the time. The Geni has escaped from the bottle, as there's no chance of putting it back in, you need to deal with the humiliation that you feel in how it was told. Kidding aside. Throwaway cause I know one of her friends is an avid reddit user and knows my main account. There is now a before and an after in your marriage. Your sexuality isn't really fodder to take the piss out of. She stopped criticizing after that. Your wife betrayed your trust by sharing private details about your sexual preferences with other people. I have no idea how you will be able to have sex with her. How unattractive I feel. It takes a lot of trust and vulnerability to explore kinks with somebody. They had quiet music playing and were talking amongst themselves. I suggest therapy for you for your feelings and how you want the relationship to proceed. She sounds sorry and your marriage is great, so maybe dont listen too carefully to all the people telling you to get a divorce. She needs to understand that at least. Get used to me being stupid". Oh buddy, I'm sorry you've had this happen to you. We have a dog and some goldfish. We may discuss, ask for suggestions, etc., but we don't laugh about one of us outing someone (not that we'd care) and trashing their sex life. 1. A couple of laffs? My step-dad said, "I feel like I always have to watch what I have to say, and I shouldn't have to worry about . Theres people that will truly respect you and love you the right way. Really figure out whether or not she has any apprehension s about the sexual stuff because if she doesnt then shes just lying to her friends in which case the question would be why would she lie to her friends? Couples counseling may help rebuild trust. There are plenty things I could talk about my girlfriend and make fun of her for it to my mates, but I dont because what happens between us stays between us. Lol see. Third, it is really nobody's business if you are Bi, and nobody should care about it anyway. I think your wife is genuine when she said it was just drunken girl talk and that she was intimidated into saying things because of her friends. I'm not sure how your marriage survives without professional help. She needs to do something to show how sorry she is. To me this is an unfortunate situation one you would never have known about but for some low key curious snooping and snooping isn't meant as you were being a sneaky individual just a situation happened and you were part off it. Maybe you could come around trusting her, but i wouldn't trust her friends. That's plain shitty. Though she made some comments around it to her female friends, I would not take those seriously (imagining other men etc). Posing with her Dutch-born man, the 29-year-old . 1) Your wife was so freaked she let the fact that you're bi slip out two years ago yet continues to discuss it with them? Is she going to listen to her friends claim that you being bi has somehow swayed them? Your story is isn't as violent, but its just as embarrassing and horrifying to hear. Acknowledge what you are going through sucks, don't judge it, & tell yourself the following: this is temporary. Soooo. I think that is a much worse betrayal, to laugh at him behind his back with these people he thinks are friends. If she can apologize for those things and really work on not doing them in the future, I think I'd forgive her. It mattered not, the day was mine. I'm glad she apologized. I (28M) with fiance (27F) about a month ago overheard her tell a friend her previous Ex was the best lover she ever had It was quite by accident that I heard this. That means she's been laughing about their sex life for a couple years, after outing him and then hiding it from him. Too many people on this app will read this and tell she can never be trusted again and you need to divorce. Couples counseling could work but it may also not be necessary, you two could work on it together. She violated your trust in one of the worst possible ways and there really isn't any way to walk it back, The thing that sucks the most is that now that there was a blowupthose judgmental friends who she told about your sexualitywill be running their mouths to all their other friends and coworkers and more and more people will be told something you never wanted shared. You two will need some couples counselling after this incident, and some of what you will do in the future will be decided by if you can overcome a natural feeling of anger and resentment that you feel. She and her boyfriend did it regularly. You definitely have every right to be upset and angry, but I honestly feel like she is telling you the truth, and they were just unfortunately things you werent supposed to hear. Thats pretty telling. So does she. It's tough but I would stay just for the kids. It was never between you and them anyway. Things that concern only you two she turn into an open truth and open truths she kept from you. Or do you think Ive misunderstood? She has taken away your ability to feel safe being vulnerable and honest with her. I'd be very hesitant about taking her words at face value. Get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house as I tipped my fedora and winked at my wifes hottest friend who was clearly impressed by my rage erection that had partially split the seam in my relaxed fit Levi 501s. I also pointed out that every single one of her relationships ended up being abusive so she had no right to tell me to leave my boyfriend when he'd never lay a finger on me. I think that you need a good week to try and think about how you feel, how you're going to be able to contain the gossip and how you move forward with the wife . Ha fucking ha. She insulted your sexual performance 5. The only reason you know of this disrespect is because you accidentally heard them saying stuff behind your back? How do you hang out with that friend group now knowing all their extra bullshit? She doesnt respect you, man. She was shitfaced when she admitted your sexuality, was pressured to mock your sexuality by her terrible friends, and she didn't actually mean to completely fucking demean you sexually. Reading it, it definitely felt like she was saying stuff to fit in with judgy friends. Here are some examples: I know you and I have different views on sexuality, but I love my husband and will not stand to hear him be talked about in this manner., My husband is not gay, please stop insinuating he is. subject change, Yeah, I dont think thats funny. (Or just not laughing and keeping a stone cold face until the others get uncomfortable), Thats actually not your business, lets talk about something else., I am uncomfortable talking about this, lets talk about something else., Your wife gave into the toxicity of her friends and that doesnt make her a better person for it even if she really doesnt think that way. She needs to know that what she did was hurtful and unacceptable, and you deserve an apology not only from her, but from her fucking idiot friends too. Also, people who have satisfying sex lives dont talk about it, just like people who have actual wealth dont have to tell you). You can always tell when they offer up explanations to any potential objections before they're asked. Talk it out and see if she can commit to working on this need to put on appearances. Her friends have always been cool to me. Drunk or not, does not excuse their unwarranted behaviour. But she also initiates in the bedroom a lot, which means at least the main idea of her bullshit is false. she outed you, made cruel jokes about your guys sex life, and didnt shut down her friends for being homophobic/biphobic. Tuesday night we hosted a small gathering (all vaxxed) with some of our couple friends. Anyone that believes stay for the kids has literally never had any experience as a kid whos parents stayed for them. Does she really think they dont laugh at her for doing bi things with you behind her back as well? Your wife is a cowered. Secondly, words mean nothing without action to back it up. You deserve so much better than this. No matter how many close and loving moments you have with your wife from this point forward, in the back of your mind youre gonna remember how easily someone -who you thought you were on the same team with- can piss all over that idea in exchange for making a few girls go no way?! Watch your back op!! That's why her apology doesn't feel like it's enough - because it isn't. The two judgmental homophobic friends have got to go. Youd always be thinking if you can trust them enough to give them certain information about yourself. I totally dont get why she would lie and say he begged for the gay stuff if she was wanting it. Even if it was a close call, you dont say that. Im gonna get downvoted for this but I think you should hear it anyway OP. When you can't control what's happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what's happening. Your wife outed you. Personal details should remain private. Wow dude, that sucks and I feel bad for you. Seriously? Best of luck. You were a running joke in your wife's friend group for two years. She used your innermost private information (your sexuality) as fodder for gossip and jokes. Hold on tight and never give up! I had no privacy. This given that she initiates the sex games, and probably will never admit to friends that she enjoys them as a kink to keep the bedroom alive and hot. And without trust, you have nothing. She should genuinely make amends for it and admit to your so called friends her hand in the situation! Are those things outweighed by her indiscrete talking (and her judgemental friends). She hurt you fucking badly. Good move tossing them out and then leaving as well. Chin up man. Then throw in this scenario that she was bisexual and the "boys" called her a "butch lesbian who doesn't really like dick.". But I'm not actually sorry: people act stupid sometimes. Why would she tell them that you enjoy pegging? My bf and I have been together not long 3 years but hes 33, I 27, and whenever there is even a shred of something that bugs either one of us we tell each other. If a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty. Even if it is a stay vacation somewhere near your home. I dont get real emotional or worked up over things.but I felt rage for the first time in a long time. I would want to know why, if it was me. I'm sorry you're going through this but your wife is such a shit person man. A random guy you barely know has stuck more by you tonight than your own wife does on the regular. The fact she cares more about her homophobic friends opinions of her than her relationship with her partner says a lot. Will take her out to nice places, and buy her stuff. They were talking about ex-boyfriends and how another mutual friend of them cheated on her husband with an ex-boyfriend because he was better in bed. Not such perfect marriage after all. I am a very chill guy. I am not open about my sexuality. Do good anyway. She said that was why she made the comment about thinking about Tom during some things we do sexually because she felt they were judging her for being with me. Also, she doesn't like your sex life. She's just shown you that you can't trust her with your sexuality. This is divorce worthy. Keep sleeping on it, brother. I could hear what they were saying and I heard one of her friends mention Tom. I think the problem here is not your wife not loving you or your sex life -- it sounds like she loves you very much and enjoys y'all's sex life. It very much is and if you let them gaslight you and suppress how you actually feel, you will feel a huge burden and trust issues for the rest of your life. Personally, I would consider this along the same lines of cheating in my relationship, because it's a complete breach of trust and security you're supposed to have with your partner. About everything. Most importantly, YOU DID NOT GIVE CONSENT to the things she is talking about!! They seem like they knew exactly what she was talking about, like it was a familiar topic. Sounds like she cares more about what her friends think than how you feel. Plus she essentially participated or at the least validated, them ridiculing his sexuality. Wouldnt your wifes friend be able to identify you anyway from the story? There was also probably some truth to her bedroom comments. That that is a topic of conversation is absurd. Sending you my best OP. I only started being a little open about it when I moved 3 states away from them and was dating a supportive partner. I am a closeted bi woman. Go for a hike, go to a movie, whatever. Idc who they are. Would she have thrown Tom under the bus like that to entertain her friends ignorance? I found out that Im extremely affects by stress, including fight at home. Thats the shittiest advice you could give someone. It sounds like shes remorseful. I got in my car and drove to my mom's house. It's tough because that level of betrayal is seriously enraging, but, do you throw away a good thing? Any words of wisdom for the talk tomorrow? But we hung on. But 2 years later she is still talking about your most sacred aspect of your personal life, by filling in her friends on the most private part of your life. I think it's too late for couples counseling. That is a messy situation. Fuck her. And also, alcohol intake needs to be curtailed. These ones sound terrible. Like who knows what other shitty conversations she participated in, especially since this isn't the first time they've expressed this kind of thinking. Stay strong man I can only hope you can move on from this with your confidence restored. She continued to ignore my boundary. If shes serious about your marriage shell reassess her friends group too. If you two have a solid relationship, you should be able to work through this. If yes then walk and bear the burdens of the breakup, but if you think you together are worth saving, then do something to sort out the issues and move beyond it. Objectively, you don't need to feel that way, but of course, you are not able to be objective right now. Youre not overreacting at ALL. It doesn't matter how private it is, or if they say they don't, they talk. You are who you are, it's a done deal. she can claim she doesnt mean it all she wants but that will not change the fact she said it and then didnt defend you when things got ugly. I do not get why some people think it is okay to shit talk or make fun of their significant other to their friends, and act two faced when their significant other is in the room. She needs to apologize to you in a way that doesn't offset the blame to her friends. We have been married for more than 10 years and have . Second, if you know somebody is making fun of you over something so intimate and personal, how can you enjoy it again? This doesnt excuse anything. So props to you. Now this doesnt mean shes a 100% shit person. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy. I hope you are able to get marriage counseling and find a way through this wether it ends with you together or not. This is a huge betrayal and should not be minimised by either of you. This right here. Even if it was a close call, you dont say that. Is she going to put them as well and claim she didnt mean it and that she was just drunk or gossiping? My identity was something I held tight to my chest for years. People knowing that hes bi will damage his reputation? He was literally a running joke to all of them. Wife: Oh, nothing just a funny story from (friends name) work. The bottom pine is you're supposed to be able to confide in her about these things and she's mishandled your trust.
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